I’m Jess, aka Prosecco Mum. I’m a mum and I’m partial to a glass or five of the good stuff. Though this doesn’t happen as often as I’d like now, so when I do strip off my well worn ‘mum’ leggings and get my glad rags on, I turn into one of those over-excited, just turned 18 year olds that you see binge drinking in pubs. Except I’m 34 and I’m apparently a responsible mother to my two babies – Sofia who’s in full threenage mode and Arlo who’s four months.
Nothing, and I mean nothing, can prepare you for becoming a parent. Having your first child is a huge culture shock; no matter how selfless you think you were before, an arrival of a baby makes you realise you were actually pretty selfish. I mean all you may want is to have a wee. Alone. Is that too much to ask? And for all you non-parents doubting it ‘can be that hard’, there are no amount of hangovers, even seven day long ones that will EVER be as horrendous as four months sleep deprivation. Yes I speak from experience.
Lessons I Have Learned Since Becoming A Mummy
● You can’t just ‘pop’ anywhere without a strict military operation taking place – and heaven forbid, don’t forget the changing bag!
● Every time you take a shower you’ll hear a crying baby; even if they’re not in the house. I think its correct term is shower psychosis. Just me?
● Sleep is for the weak. I mean who needs a lie in past 6.30 anyway?
● Health Visitors, on the whole, are pretty useless. They can’t give personal advice they read it from a book. So, how about we stop these weekly visits as I can just find out the answers to my questions on Google.
● Speaking of which, Google’s actually a bit of a no-no. You’ll end up diagnosing an imminent cot death or a brain tumour. And that’s just us parents!
● From the moment you conceive you also conceive loads of new emotions that make you cry at absolutely everything. Often at really inappropriate times. You think pregnancy is bad? Wait until days 3-5 post partum.