It is no secret that your entire life changes when you have a baby. In ways you never knew it would. I think that is what was the biggest shock for me, just HOW much my life changed. Literally overnight. Actually, it changed within a few minutes. Especially after I got shit on. That thick black tar-like SHIT. All over me. That is when I knew that it wouldn’t be the last time I ended up to my eyeballs in shit. SPOILER… it wasn’t. I thought I would share with you things that change when you become a parent.
THINGS THAT CHANGE WHEN YOU BECOME A PARENT
01. Your Sex Life – i’m gonna break it to you now mate, but your sex life is gonna suffer. If you libido doesn’t pack its bags & fuck off as soon as a small human has exited your body, you can at least kiss the romantic, spontaneous sex goodbye. Sex now is planned around a quick nap or a touch & go (no pun intended) bedtime. You just give each other the look, nod towards the stairs & have at it. You no longer have the time for long, drawn out foreplay & romance. It is a case of wham bam, thank you mam. Quite literally. You gotta be swift & silent, like a sex ninja.
02. Your Body – this one may be obvious but my body has changed in ways that I never thought it would. My hips have got wider, my tits no longer belong to me & it would appear hair grows on my body at a much quicker rate. Either that or the fact I haven’t shaved my legs in three months is catching up with me. I also have a lovely pile (singular, yes) who likes to rear her ugly head once in a while. I like to think it is my bodies way of reminding me what a fucker labour was. Like bringing a souvenir back from the hospital with me.
03. Relationship – Aside from the sex , having a baby massively changes your relationship. Not necessarily for the worst! Aaron & I are more of a team than ever before. We own a house together & are engaged, but I felt like having Teddy together cemented our relationship even more. Don’t get me wrong though, we definitely have our blazing rows. Particularly in the middle of the night when Teddy is being a raging fuck-wit who won’t sleep. Me & Aaron end up whisper shouting how much we hate each other & wish the other one would choke on their own bullshit.
04. Opinions – I hated people before I had Teddy. Now I hate them even more. Especially their opinions, the ones that I don’t remember asking for. I guarantee from the minute, no scrap that, the SECOND you tell people you have conceived a mini womb-invader, people will start spouting off their opinions about pregnancy, labour & parenting. Top tip… ignore them all!
05. Patience – I have more patience now than ever before. For Teddy. Everyone else? Nah mate. You have two seconds to get your point across or you out! I am a mother now. My time is precious. Especially the time where I am not being clung to like a tree.
06. Doubt – I’ve never doubted myself more as a parent. With everything. My pregnancy choices, my labour & post-partum recovery and don’t even get me STARTED on the whole, actually keeping a human alive. You will question every single decision you make. I promise, it is in fact completely normal. I used to be wide awake at 2/3/4 in the morning, googling the most random shit you could imagine. “My baby hasn’t pooped in half an hour – is this normal?, “If I have sex again, will my insides fall out?”
07. Priorities – Completely change. It’s all about Teddy. Sometimes, I resent that & it is OKAY. There is absolutely no shame in admitting, that just sometimes you would like to be put first. However with that being said, gone are the days of buying the new clothes or the latest beauty releases – now it is all about the noisiest toy or sacrificing your Teen Mom episode for a marathon of fucking Baby Shark. Also early nights become the biggest priority. If someone suggests plans & it means I won’t be getting in bed until any time after 10pm (read as 9/9:30) – I genuinely question whether it is worth it.
08. Inner Strength – There is the term “Mama Bear” for a reason. If I sense that Teddy is any sort of danger or is upset by anyone that isn’t me – I will CUT you, I swear. Adult, kid, old gal.. you harm or upset my child and you better run. I have never felt so protective of anything in my life.
Those are just eight things that change when you become a parent, i’d love to know what you have found the biggest change to be?