What a year it’s been. I remember the day you were born like it was yesterday. The way you cried, the skin-to-skin we shared & the overwhelming sense of “holy shit, what now?”
I remember the fear – the fear of being a horrendous mother (along with the fear of ever having to poop again..), the fear of failing you, the fear of unthinkable things happening to you.
I remember when it was just me & you in our own little room at the hospital – roughly six hours after you were born – you were asleep on my chest and I made you some promises.
I promised to always be your cheerleader – whatever crazy ideas or dreams you have I will always be right there next to you. I promised to let you decide who you want to be – the toys you play with, the clothes you wear & the people you love. Do it all knowing that I couldn’t be prouder of you.
I’m not going to lie & say I’ve found motherhood easy – it hasn’t been. Not even close. It has been without a doubt the hardest thing I have ever done in my LIFE. Something I have always shared honestly & openly – there’s no shame in admitting that you are finding things hard baby boy. If anything it makes you stronger.
You are, without a doubt the best thing in my life. You have made me laugh everyday since you were born. Whether that be the horrific shitsplosions, your first laughs or you diva fits.
You bring me joy. Maybe not at two/three/four in the morning when I want to jump out my bedroom window and run for the hills.. but more often than not.
I feel like it’s only been two seconds since you were placed on my chest with your Daddy shouting “it’s a boy!!!”, I feel like I’ve blinked and now we are here. Your first birthday.
I hope you know how much I love you – I mean you probably don’t – you just see me as a pair of giant walking titties but you know what, I’ll take it!
I have exclusively fed you for twelve months!!! In the beginning I wanted to saw my own boobs off and throw them at your dad. I felt smothered and like I’d never get my body back. Now? I love it. It makes me so sad that one day you’ll wake up & wont want my milk anymore.
People ask if I’m going to stop now you are one? They’ve clearly never met you!
You are my greatest achievement and my favourite part of every day.
I would give anything to go back & stay in our newborn bubble just a little longer – I feel like I wished it all away. I wanted the sleepless nights & clusterfeeding to end. I couldn’t wait until ‘you were bigger’. Now?
I miss the newborn cuddles and your smell. I miss when you would spend hours upon hours lay in my arms, when you were at your most content. I miss the milk-drunk moments, watching your sleepy smiles, knowing that mummy’s milk had done its job.
Now you are one…
Baby boy – I love you. You are a wonder.