There have been many times in my eight months of motherhood that I have doubted my skills as a parent. Then something either completely horrific, or completely wonderful will happen and you’ll think to yourself. Nah, i’m definitely a parent. You find yourself talking in that really fucking irritating baby language that you swore you’d never use, having the constant smell of shit in your nostrils is the norm and you’ve worn the same maternity jeans since the baby arrived, whether you are back to pre-pregnancy weight or not. They are just too damn comfy! There are so many others that I thought I would share 15 clear signs you are a parent.
01.Going to bed at 10pm feels like a late night and you love being a little rebel, although part of you knows you are going to regret it BIG time.
02.You manage to dry & style your hair and feel like you’ve made a real effort.
03.Having snot, shit or vomit on your clothes is the norm and your outfit doesn’t quite feel complete without a splattering of some sort of bodily fluids smeared on it.
04.The highlight of your life are the most mundane things; a gorgeous smelling cleaning product, a new mop or even seeing the bottom of your washing basket for the first time in six months.
05.You have accepted the fact that you will never eat a hot meal again and just learn to appreciate lukewarm food. Hey, you can’t win em’ all.
06.You have flashed some poor soul your titties at some point and it doesn’t even phase you. The postman? Window cleaner? We’ve all done it.
07.Sniffing your baby’s ass or rooting around in their nappy to see if they’ve pooped is part of your everyday life.
08.Nothing is more celebrated than your constipated child FINALLY having a poo. You shout it from the rooftops and share it with all your mum friends. Are you even real friends if you haven’t shared a picture of a shitty nappy or two?
09.You can do more in five minutes than some people can do in a whole day.
10.You go to the toilet pretending to have a ‘dodgy’ tummy, just so you can have ten minutes of uninterrupted alone time. Lord knows you’ve earned it!
11.You cry at anything & everything. Cute babies? You betcha. Super Vet? Every DAMN time.
12.When your other half suggests a little lovin’ and the thought of going to bed & not going straight to sleep makes your vagina shrivel up and die.
13.You have no idea about fashion and frankly you couldn’t give two fucks. If it smells reasonably clean & has easy boob access, it’ll do. Nobody wants to be fighting their titty out of a clingy top.
14.Your legs have got a uncanny resemblance to Chewbacca and it’s a case of your partner either likes it or lumps it. Aint nobody got time to shave their legs, wash their hair AND have a wash. Parenting is all about priorities and smelling like the back end of a rhino takes priority over shaving the rug off my legs.
15.Having to get dressed up, socialise and have a drink in some pub or club is literally your worse nightmare. It’s too noisy and you can’t be dealing with sweaty pissed up people. It also doesn’t help that you know if you get a little too carried away, it’s going to take four days & a small army to get over the hangover.
There you have it! 15 clear signs that you are a parent!