I’m almost six months in to this crazy, sleep-deprived, love bubble we call motherhood & i’m not going to lie, in those six months I’ve genuinely never doubted myself more. I have questions I never thought I would and I can’t tell you how many times a day a random thought will enter my brain & keep me awake at night.
I thought I would share some of those questions & thoughts with you, just as a way to let you know, that despite what you might ACTUALLY think, you are never alone & 9 times out of 10, someone will have googled the exact same fucked up question as you. Here are 10 thoughts or questions I have had since Teddy arrived…
01. My child hates me: I can’t tell you how many times I’ve genuinely thought that Teddy hates me. During the screaming episodes that seemed to last for hours, the sleepless nights and cluster feeding to the point where I thought my nipples were going to fall off.
02. I am a milk making machine and nothing more: 6 months in & I still feel like this. I let him get away with it during the first couple of weeks but now, he just uses & abuses me for my boobs. I like to think he cries when I leave the room because he misses me, when in actually fact he’s probably just psyching out because the milk is gone!
03. Can you die from lack of sleep? All your mothers whose child sleeps like it’s the devil will understand this. There are days where I have genuinely felt sick I am that tired. I also can’t tell you how many times I have just sat & cried due to lack of sleep. You can read more of my thoughts on this in my post “Confessions Of A Sleep Deprived Mum“
04. Will I ever be able to sit down again or will my vagina constantly feel like it’s been violated? Every so often I get flashbacks to when I genuinely thought I would have to stand up for the rest of my life. I either had to sit down extremely slowly and ease my vag onto the seat or just stand up and pray my insides didn’t fall out.
05. Can boobs explode? Engorged boobs are luckily a rarity now but during the early days when Teddy started going longer stretches at night, I would wake up with what can only be described as two hockey balls attached to my front. Two rock hard, uncomfortable, leaking hockey balls..
06. Why does my child hate sleep? WHY GOD, WHY?!!!
07. I think my baby is trying to kill me: Lack of sleep, tiny baby vampire teeth, feeding 20 hours out of the day to the point where I think he’s literally sucking the life out of me..
08. I’m never having sex, ever again: Nothing makes you want to stay celibate for the rest of your life, quite like evacuating a tiny human out of your body. Or a newborn for that matter. There are two fears that come with having sex after you’ve given birth. The first being that you are scared your insides will fall out and I can’t imagine that’ll be particularly attractive (could be wrong, whatever floats your fucked up boat..) The second is the overwhelming fear that you’ll get pregnant again & you aren’t physically, mentally or emotionally prepared for that.
09. Can I murder my partner and get away with it? You lie there with your worthless nipples, inability to hear a crying baby throughout the night and your body that is incapable of bearing a child. I’ll just sit here, in the dark, feeding the he-beast for the tenth time and plot your slow & painful murder. Mother fucker.
10. I’m going to have to sell an organ to afford this baby: Babies are hell’a expensive! Nappies, wipes, clothes to coincide with the fact I’ve given birth to some sort of rapidly growing giant who outgrows his baby grows after a month! Oh not to mention all the clothes I’ve had to throw away due to shitsplosions that there isn’t any coming back from. Mainly it’s due to the fact that baby things are just too fucking cute.