One thing I have learnt as a first time mum is that people think they can suddenly ask you/give you an opinion on everything. They start rhyming off all their unwanted advice and telling you things that you really couldn’t care less about. When I was pregnant I got the usual, ‘oh you’re massive’, ‘ohh when I was pregnant..’ & my favourite ‘how are you going to feed baby?’ With my milk making titties clearly wasn’t the answer they expected…If they want to ask the inappropriate questions, an inappropriate answer is what they’ll get back. Since having Teddy, the comments and questions have only got worse! I thought i’d share 10 things NOT to say to a first time mum. Or any mum for that matter!
Side Note: I do like to overshare. Quite a lot…
1. Oh, now you have a boy, you must want a girl next?– Erm no Sharon, you absolute bell. What’s wrong with having a small tribe of boys? Same goes for girl mama’s, WHY do we need a mixture of genders? When & If we do have a second baby, and it’s a girl, lovely. If it’s another boy, equally as lovely. I love being a boy mama & would absolutely love to have another boy. Penis’s everywhere I say.
2. Will you have anymore children? I gave birth a week ago for christ sake. I’m just about capable of going for a poop without crying. Aint’ no lovin going on near my child exiting vagina in a while. But if I do ever decide to have another baby, you’ll be the last to know..
3. Will you be getting married as soon as possible? To be honest we hardly find the time to say ‘good morning’ to each other before Teddy has either shit all over himself or kicked off because my very first thought of the day wasn’t to get my boob out. Romance is well & truly on pause for now, possibly even dead & buried. So I highly doubt it.
4. I bet it’s so nice, sitting at home all day– Oh yeah, I love being up to my eyeballs in nappies, living with my breasts permanently out ready for the he-beast to demand his dinner & constantly having the smell of shit in my nostrils (baby shit, not mine). It’s my favourite.
5.Do you have a routine yet? I haven’t washed my hair in a week, I am wearing the same pjs he leaked shit all over. You really think I have my life together enough to have him in a routine? Pull the other one.
6. Oh, you look so tired!– So would you if someone woke you up screeching like a banshee every two hours. What you should be doing is stroking my hair & telling me how damn pretty I am!
7. You’re still breastfeeding? For the love of god. Yes. Yes I am. I am a boob feeding mother lover. If i’m still doing it when he’s 10 (which at the rate he feeds, is actually possible) then you can say something. Until then, shut your damn whore mouth Carol!
8. Teething, that’s where the fun REALLY starts– Oh, really? I thought the fun started RIGHT after a small human exited my body after 55 hours of labour & I had to have my noon stitched from front to back. No? My mistake…
9. He cries a lot doesn’t he? No, he just thinks you are really, really ugly. He’s a baby!!! Of course he cries. It’s a lot more common than you think. Gob Shite.
10. Is he a good baby? Now you mention it, he’s a proper fucker. Gives me nothing but shit and has a right attitude. God knows what a FOUR MONTH OLD baby’s problem could be..cue the eye roll.