Trying To Find The Balance
Before being a mother, I thought I had my shit together. I worked full-time, took care of my mental, physical and emotional health, had a active social life and looked after our home. My blog had taken a back seat but that was through personal choice. I was fine. I had everything under control.
Then I became a mother.
My whole life was flipped upside down and completely on its head. Like it had taken a seat on the teacups at the theme park, and you’d forgotten to fasten yourself in before the ride started.
This small person suddenly arrives in the world and as much as you think you have everything ready and you’ve prepared yourself for this whole new life, nothing can actually prepare you for what is about to happen and how much everything is about to change.
The struggles of motherhood are suddenly thrown into everything else you’re trying to keep a grip of. We’ll wake up and start our day, and before I know it it’s bedtime and I haven’t even found the time to get changed out of my pyjamas. You are stuck in this loop of looking after a baby-making sure the cats are alive and well- tidying the house. It’s so exhausting and some days the pressure is all too much and you struggle to take a breath.
It all becomes a bit too much and you crumble. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve had some sort of meltdown or stressed at Aaron because i’m losing a grip of everything I am. Everything I was before I became a mum.
There are so many pressures coming from all aspects of your life; a career, keeping on top of house work, running a blog and constantly comparing yourself to others. Then all of a sudden throw motherhood into that! I didn’t realise the amount of scrutiny that would come with being a mum.
“Her child sleeps more than mine, am I doing something wrong?”
“My baby won’t self-soothe and won’t be put down, but theirs will.”
“Am I spending enough time helping my baby to grow and develop?”
“She always has her hair and makeup done on Instagram and I still haven’t eaten, never-mind looked in the mirror?”
Teddy is only three months old and as quickly as that has gone & how much he has grown, we are still in the really early days and I know eventually we’ll find our feet and i’ll finally get some me time back again. Even if it is only 20 minutes to paint my nails or read a book. Something that makes me feel more like myself.
There are days where I love my life, the night feeds aren’t so tough and Teddy could scream for hours on end, and I’ll just take it in my stride. Aaron will finish work and i’ll enjoy a nice fifteen minute shower, apply a face mask and feel like a new woman.
Those days are few and far between. I need to realise that as much as I am a mother (and I do love it more than anything else in the world), I am just as much ‘Me’ as I was before. Both are equally important. I can’t give Teddy 100%, if I don’t take care of me first.
It’s just remembering that, that is okay. It doesn’t make me a bad person or any less of a brilliant mum. It just means trying to find the balance.
I am writing this post as a reminder to myself that I am enough. Whether I have left Teddy on his play mat for five minutes too long- just so I can have a drink and take a breath. Whether a blog post that I need to write, sits forgotten about for a few days because I wanted to sit and watch crap reality TV instead. I am doing the best I can. It’s not a bad thing to take a step back and just be.